Getting Back Together With Someone
Posted on January 25, 2010 | Categories: Question of the Week, Relationships | Tags: opinions, quotes
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Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.
- He’s Just Not That Into You
While I’ve never had any experience in getting back together with anyone I’ve been involved with1, I know that it’s never an easy situation. I’ve seen enough of my friends take a chance on getting back together with their ex, sometimes ignoring all of the advice given to them by close friends and family and going against their better judgment. For some, it’s worked out, although of course the relationship wasn’t the same as it was before the break up. For others, it’s turned out horribly and the two parties are worse off for not realizing that despite their hopes, they couldn’t overcome the issues that caused the first breakup. It’s a situation fraught with risks and the potential to be hurt in a way like no other, and while I do think there are some situations where getting back together is for the best, I think there are certain steps that need to be taken before it gets to that point.
I’ve always been adamant that if a guy breaks up with me and then asks for me back sometime down the road, I need to make the guy prove to me that he really is in it for the long haul. He needs to show me that he really, truly, totally wants me back in his life and knows just how damn lucky he is if I agree to take him back. I wouldn’t want a guy to ask for me back just because he wants someone in his life again and I happen to be there to fill the void. I want him to want me for me. I also need to know he won’t hurt me the way he did in the past. Even though we will have problems if we become a couple once more as all couples have their share of problems, they can’t be the same ones that caused our relationship to end the first time around, and both of us will need to have already worked through those issues before deciding to get back together.
One of my greatest concerns when it comes to getting together with someone the first time is whether or not I will lose him as a friend if/when the relationship ends. However, history has shown that I maintain good relationships with all the boys I’ve been romantically linked to, so it’s a worry that has (somewhat) lessened with time. But if I get back together with an ex, good terms or not, and the relationship ends for the same reason it ended the first time around, then I know I can never, ever allow myself to be friends with him again. It’s one thing for someone you care about to hurt you once. It’s quite another thing if that persons hurts you twice, especially if it was in the same way both times.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
- Chinese Proverb
Question of the Week: What do you think about getting back together with someone? Would you consider it, or are you totally against it? If you aren’t opposed to the idea, are there any requirements/musts that need to happen before you get back together with the person?
- I’ve skirted around the situation but never actually had anything come of it. [↩]
Lady Impulse
I love that movie He’s Not That Into You, I felt most of it seemed very true. And you are right, people tend to not take advice from friends and family because they would rather listen to their heart, than their mind. I feel like I relate to this post more than I wish. I have gotten back together with my boyfriend twice, and we have been back together for 2 months now, but before we got back together, we were just seeing each other unofficially for a month and a half, and I am very happy. It seems like some problems have been fixed but now new problems have risen and they aren’t that bad, they are pretty normal, but I am scared it will all end badly again. Either way I’m taking a chance because I have strong feelings for him.
Amanda
The only time the whole “getting back together thing” is even semi-relevant to me was with a boy who i was ultimately being emotionally abused by (a reaaally long story, but it was SO unhealthy, and a ridiculously crazy downward spiral) – it got really on and off towards the end it was crazy.
But, i agree with you in terms of the fact that, if someone ever wanted to get back together with me, it would only be considered IF we worked through the reasons why we’d broken up in the first place. Eg, there’s an ex with whom i am still very close friends with, and we still have very good chemistry, etc… but once, after many friends harassing us about getting back together, we had a long talk and both agreed that, at the core of it, we are just too different and if we dated we would still fight for the same reasons and that would just be stupid.
:)
Jenni
I read ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and thought most of it was really good, but there were some weird points!
Every boyfriend I’ve ever had wanted to get back with me after he dumped me, but I found from experience that it just doesn’t work!
Manda
In my experience, when I had an ex that wanted to get back together with me, it just felt like he wasn’t sure of what he was doing. It was like the ex was second guessing our breakup, but when we broke up he was second guessing the reasons why we got together in the first place. I’m not comfortable with the idea of being dropped and picked up on a whim, or with me following a boy’s decisions about “us” without any say in the matter. When it’s a case like that, the person who is doing the waffling about definitely needs to get their act together before involving other people in their life.
Vanesa
What a coincidence! I was just think about this when I stumbled upon this blog from the Weblog Awards.
I think getting back together with someone is not a very good idea if you don’t want to feel like an idiot or get hurt again. If the person truly valued you, they wouldn’t have hurt you in that way unless it was a misunderstanding. You just can’t take them back – there are plenty of people out there to be happy with, and they’ll have learned their lesson and have come out stronger and better.
Manda
I think one of my personal concerns about taking back an ex is the matter of settling vs reaching. I don’t want to settle on a man/have a man settle on me; no one is comfortable with the idea of being a consolation prize. I want to be a priority, not an option :P
Cecilie
I don’t really believe that getting back together with your ex is a smart thing to do. In most cases it doesn’t work out, and ends worse than the first time. But of course, it can work out.
Dayna
Whether or not I will choose to get back together with the guy will depend on what caused our breakup in the first place. I’m not someone who will tolerate my guy not being faithful to me. I trust him and if he chooses to abuse the trust, I will leave him, no questions asked. I wouldn’t turn back either. I wouldn’t want to give him a second chance to hurt me again.
Alice
I don’t really have any significant relationship experience, well not for a while now anyway lol but I think my concern would be as you’ve pointed out, the issues that were the reason for breaking up are still there. I think you can miss someone and still be in love with them but without fixing the problem it will just never work out.
Also either party needs to work out what they want from getting back together, I don’t there is room to be flaky about it.
Of my friends who have got back together with their ex’s it has never worked out, and in one specific case it went very badly the second time round.
But until I am faced with the situation, I’ve no idea what I would do.
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