Inviting Yourself
Posted on March 16, 2010 | Categories: Family, Friends, Question of the Week | Tags: opinions
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In my immediate circle of friends, there is one person that has a tendency to invite herself to whatever events/happenings we have planned. In a group of friends as big as mine, there is a natural tendency for factions of the group to plan smaller things (dinner, shopping, etc) for those who they are closest with in the group rather than for all the friends. Everyone knows that the bigger the group is the more difficult it is to plan something that everyone wants to do, so we hang out in our smaller “factions” for the most part. This person, however, just doesn’t quite get that and tends to show up at any given time unannounced, unexpected, and sometimes unwanted.
In terms of family, I have an extended family member who has a habit of inviting himself to outings my immediate family plans, such as going out to the movies or dinner. It doesn’t even have to be a formally planned outing; he’s often come over just to hang out and watch TV or eat a home-cooked meal (my mother is a great cook). I know he’s family, but I still find it a little weird that he’ll just invite himself to come over, particularly if there’s nothing planned. It’s not like my family is an exciting host as more often than not each of us are preoccupied with our own agendas and can’t afford to divert attention to guests!
I’ve always been particularly cautious of inviting myself to events/places because I know I’m not always happy to see others who have invited themselves. It places everyone in an awkward situation: the people who didn’t invite the person, and the person who might not be welcome but still showed up anyway. And even though I’ve had somewhat uncomfortable encounters with people who just show up and assume I will be flattered with their presence, I still have yet to find a strategy to handle that type of situation. I’ve no issue on calling out people on misjudgments, but I know the people I am with do have problems with doing that so a much subtler, more low-key way of handling it is needed.
Question of the Week: How do you handle people that have invited themselves to an event? Do you think that it is appropriate for one to do so, or does it make you feel uncomfortable?
Crissy
In the past, I didn’t really care either way. I never invited myself over, and was somewhat annoyed when others invited themselves.
But this year, my friend and I were planning a day trip to the city, and my parents were to drive us. I had it all planned out with two friends, and then one friend invited her OTHER friend. Now, friend A is my best friend, and the person she invited (person B) was someone I was friends with, but wasn’t getting along with so well that week. Part of the reason Person B and I weren’t getting along was because Person B (who wasn’t officially invited) invited another one of my best friends on this trip in front of me. I wanted to bring the person invited, but she wouldn’t have been as interested in such an event.
tl;dr (or maybe that was just confusing) my friend invited my other friend over without asking me, and it put me in an awkward situation. So I hate when people invite themselves/others over.
Kaylee
I’ve never been in a situation where someone invited his or herself to an event. No one in my social circle does that; we all know that if someone wants you to come along, you’ll be invited directly. :P
Manda
What if it’s an implicit invitation? :P
Clem
I never invite myself anywhere. I figure that if I’m excluded from plans, it’s for a reason. I wait to be invited.
I really hate people who invite themselves. :\ It’s happened to me, and I’ve tried leaving subtle hints – it’s hard, though, because the type of person who invites themselves isn’t the kind of person who can take a hint.
Marie
I always find that it’s awkward when someone invites themselves, mostly because (like you said) there a certain smaller groups within a large group of friends that usually do certain things together on a regular basis. When someone outside that small groups suddenly shows up, there’s a certain balance that’s disturbed. It sounds strange, but it’s true.
I’m usually really cautious about inviting myself along to anything just because I don’t know whether or not the people involved wanted to be alone, or whether it’s the kind of outing with a “the more the merrier mentality”. I just wouldn’t want to take the chance of being unwelcome.
Dayna
I will never invite myself anywhere as well unless I have an invitation or was asked to attend. It just seems really odd. I’ll be shock if I hold a party and someone came uninvited. I know of a few people like this and they tend to be very optimistic or should I say ignorant? To them, they feel as though they are invited anywhere and everyone will welcome them with open arms (which is of course not the case). Even if you start hinting them, they wouldn’t get it at all. I try to put things quiet now for fear of such issues arising again. It’s a headache!
Charlie
I like to be certain I’m welcome somewhere before planning to go (say if someone other than the host invites me), and on the other foot it really depends who they are. Once I invited a friend to my party and she said she’d asked so and so (an old friend of ours) to come along. That was ok. Friends of family members turning up to family get togethers are very awkward though.
Krissy ♥
I’ve never invited myself somewhere without being formally invited. I would feel soooo awkward. And I can’t really say I’ve ever had anyone invite themselves along to something I’ve planned either. The majority of my group of friends is friends with this other girl who I’m not really friends with – I don’t not like her or anything, we’re just more of acquaintances and wouldn’t hang out with each other without the others – and a lot of times when I plan something with my friends, they always ask to invite her along too. Which is fine since they asked first, but sometimes it bothers me because I want to hang out with just my friends and not her. Maybe that’s mean, but every once in awhile it would be nice. *shrug*
Lucy
I’ve had a cousin who invited herself to my wedding two years ago. I decided to have a small wedding, with only immediate family and friends. I knew that if I invited my family from Houston, I would wind up with a guest list of 400. As it was, the guest list was already at 150…for being something “small”. Yeah, I have a LARGE family.
Anyway, my cousin got wind of when the wedding was (probably thanks to my loudmouth sister, who also thought it was okay to invite fifty extra people at the last minute, grr). So she drove down with her family and crashed my wedding.
At least she had the decency to bring a gift.
Manda
They crashed your WEDDING?! Oh my. It’s one thing to crash a simple get together like going to the movies, but inviting yourself to a wedding is a whole different level of gatecrashing!
Alice
I really hate it and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, If someone who isn’t invited turns up at an event there was probably a reason they weren’t invited in the first place. I’m not to bothered if it is a friend of a friend or someone I don’t know so well (depending on the situation) but for a scheduled outing where you want to have a giggle and a gossip with your closest, it can be inappropriate. I’m not to bothered if someone asks to come along though, just don’t turn up unannounced.
I certainly would never just turn up somewhere, I think it looks a little desperate and is rather thoughtless.
Deanna
I can’t say that is really a problem I have to deal with often, if at all. If there was someone joining us that I didn’t plan on having there I will usually just make them feel welcome anyway.
I have invited myself out with people before. I only remember one instance of doing that and it was last Canada Day. But I don’t think the people I joined minded at all. In fact, I would say they were all happy to see me because I don’t get to spend that much time with them. But I can see how it would become a problem if I was to do that ALL the time.
I hope you can find a gentler way of telling your unwanted guest to go away. But in general, if you don’t want them hanging out with you (probably ever again) I would just be honest and tell them that they are not wanted. I found that being subtle doesn’t really work.
Tigerlilly
BF had a similar problem. He plays badminton and the whole team sometimes do stuff together, but usually a smaller group out of that team does stuff every weekend. There was this one guy who kept inviting himself to b-day parties, movie nights and other outings. They would try and only make plans when said person wasn’t around, but somehow he would still get wind of the activity and show up, unwanted.
Finally BF just sat him down and explained to him that he wasn’t part of the smaller group of friends. It sounds harsh, but he was grateful that BF was honest and open with him. Clem’s right subtle hints don’t work.
Diana
Luckily, I don’t have that problem much, but I remember my aunt used to come over uninvited ALL THE TIME. My family doesn’t think it’s a big deal if you come over without an invitation, but you must call first. My aunt and her family NEVER called. We haven’t kept in communication, but I wouldn’t put it past her to show up tomorrow, just for funsies.
Katy
I can’t stand it when people invite themselves to events too! I’ve never done that and never will.
I know what you mean about the huge groups thing; it takes my girlfriends and I FOREVER just to get together for a simple dinner because there are so many of us and we’re all super busy.
Jen
I never invite myself to events — I’m terrified of what they’d think of me, and the fact that I might be interrupting their ‘alone-with-special friends’ time. People who invite themselves along, similarly annoy me, especially people who think they’re more well-liked than they actually am.
Ashley
I agree that it’s ridiculous and I never do it myself – if I do want to go somewhere, I’ll ask, and I can count on my friends to be honest enough if they want to just chill by themselves. The people on my dorm floor are pretty much all friends with each other aside from a few little things here and there, so it’s obvious that we have a LOT of smaller group get-togethers. Occasionally, my roommate will get upset with me if I don’t invite her somewhere when my boyfriend and best friend and I go out (which I don’t understand, really, as she’s not close with my boyfriend OR my best friend), but it seems people are usually pretty understanding.
We’ll see how it goes when I get out in to the real world :P