Defriending on Facebook
May 21st, 2010 | Categories: Friends, Online | 15 CommentsWhat is it about today’s culture that the statement “I defriended [name] on Facebook” has more of an impact than “[Name] and I aren’t friends anymore”?
Is it because simply saying that two people are not friends isn’t enough anymore and that “proof” must be provided to validate the statement? Or is it because Facebook has permeated our lives so much that unless social and romantic developments in one’s personal lives are documented on the website, they aren’t “official”?
Inquiring minds would like to know.
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Hi, I'm Manda. I'm a college student studying communications and languages. I like to read, shop, bake, and travel. I have a tendency to listen to my favorite songs on repeat for hours on end. Sometimes I catch myself thinking in a language other than English. 
As you know, I’m not a huge fan of Facebook and I don’t use it that often, so I don’t really feel ‘educated’ enough to have a non-biased opinion. But anyhow, someone who I’ve had a very rough history with defriended me on Facebook awhile ago, and I dunno… it kind of hurt more being defriended than if they’d just stopped communicating with me. Not that we communicated anyway, but still. It’s strange, but like you said, on Facebook it’s “official” and world can see that a certain person no longer wants to be associated with you.
Well, you know I have a rough history with my ex. Before the final falling out, I had already set in motion things that would visibly demonstrate that we had grown apart and were no longer bound by our agreement to become friends after the breakup. (That makes me sound like a crazy person, but you already know the story so you know that’s not the case :P) When push came to shove, though, I used my trump card to show him that I really wasn’t interested in anything he had to do or say – and that card was defriending him on Facebook.
It’s weird, because even though we weren’t friends in any sense of the definition in real life, it was like clicking “Remove from friends” on his profile was having the last word.
Your reply speaks my mind. Clicking that button is like having the last words: “I really, really do not like you to the extent that I am seeking out that “Remove” button”. It’s meant to be a big slap on the face. After much tolerance in real life, it’s my trump card to self-preservation.
Thank you for posting! Your blog post helps me.
I think it hurts because most people will be “friends” with just about anyone on Facebook. I know I’m friends with people who I don’t care about or interact with – so defriending someone says that you REALLY, REALLY don’t like them, not just that you’ve grown apart.
I guess that makes sense. I defriended my ex-boyfriend on Facebook and intended for that to be a big slap in the face-type gesture. However, I’ve also defriended people I don’t really know (eg I went to school with them in like third grade, didn’t talk to them then, don’t talk to them now and in all reality will never see them again, so why be Facebook friends?) and didn’t intend for that to be mean or offensive at all.
Oh, Facebook etiquette *sigh*
I agree with Clem. Drifting apart is often about non-interest on both sides. There may be no hard feelings, just a couple of people who don’t happen to have much in common anymore. On the other hand, defriending someone on Facebook is taking an active stance on the issue. I think it would be similarly hurtful to someone coming up to you offline and saying “Look, I just want to let you know that we are NOT friends anymore!” (as opposed to just not hanging out very much or something of the sort).
I actually was thinking about this with the whole unfollowing Twitter business that kind of goes around, and I’m with Krissy, Clem and Sara – it really hurts on a completely strange level.
While most look at unfollowing as hilarious – I personally laugh when I lose a follower, I don’t know if that’s a nervous reaction, or me not giving two shits – it does hurt me when it’s someone I know personally. However, this is very slight in comparison to Facebook, because in a way, they *are* officially cutting all ties to you, whereas saying “I’m no longer friends!” always leaves room for the party involved to be, ya’ know, friends.
On the flip side, I can see how this is ridiculous. For instance, the sister consistently claims “I hate [person], why am I friends with them?!”, and will “un-friend” them from MySpace, but they’re still friends afterward. Maybe it’s the whole Facebook-ruling-the-world thing.
(Also, I’ve been on the other side of “de-friending”, which is why I can see all sides. I de-friended my older sister, with whom I have issues with, because I couldn’t stand “associating” with her anymore. While I’d personally like to talk to her again, I refuse to do it over Facebook, or the computer for that matter. …I did feel quite horrible doing it after, though!)
Well, I see Twitter unfollowing and Facebook unfriending as two different things. I’ve unfollowed people on Twitter I still consider friends because I got tired of not knowing what they were tweeting about (inside jokes, cryptic/vague tweets clearly intended to be cryptic/vague, etc) or their tweets were filled with auto-tweets from things like Last.fm, quiz results and MyTVShows. But just because I’ve unfollowed them on Twitter doesn’t mean I don’t like them as a person, I’m just not interested in their tweets. (Tweets =/= the individual!)
With Facebook, I see unfriending as something much more complex. I’ve defriended people before, but all but one instance was because I know I would never see the person again and didn’t know them all that well to begin with and thus, never actually talked to the person. (The one exception was intended to be a huge “I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE SO PLEASE GET OUT OF MY LIFE” gesture :P)
I agree with everyone above me. Being a “friend” on Facebook isn’t necessarily the same as being a true “friend”; a lot of people friend acquaintances and people they barely (but hopefully do to a small extent) know, and even people they don’t particularly like. So, to go the extra mile and actively defriend someone means that you really don’t like that person, as opposed to no longer having much to do with them or whatever. The word “friend” in ordinary language implies closeness, so not being friends any more isn’t that big a deal. Not being “Facebook friends” indicates much more negative sentiment.
I feel like my explanation is longer than it needs to be, haha.
Being defriended on Facebook can hurt because it kind of feels like an official sort of “I don’t want to be associated with you anymore” type thing. It especially hurts when it happens after you’ve said something that shouldn’t have been taken as offensive, but somehow does manage to offend someone. (Because now you can’t find out what it was, make amends, etc.)
I think people overate the social side of Facebook. I’ve never defriend anyone on Facebook or been defriend. I guess people feel that you rather defriend then try and solve an issue you have with them. But then again if there’s someone that you weren’t really friends with to begin with (someone from high school that you haven’t spoken to in years and probably won’t speak to again) then there’s no issue to solve.
I know someone who got really really mad at my friend whole stopped following him on twitter because he just wasn’t interested in what he tweeted about.
Like most people said above me, it’s definitely quite an official thing to some people. Depending on the situation, I don’t often see it as a big deal, as I’ve recently defriended a lot of people I’m simply not in contact with and I don’t think it’s necessary for my information to be popping up on their news feeds anymore. There have been only a few instances where I meant it to mean anything, namely after I got in a huge fight with my ex-friends from high school over Christmas break. I knew that they’d only use our Facebook friendship to “stalk” me obsessively and find new things to pick on me for and to use as gossip fodder (because they did that to countless other people while we were all still friends), and I didn’t want to make that easy for them.
I’ve done that recently as well; in fact, that was what prompted this entry. I defriended about 100 “friends” that, as I said in a reply to Clem’s comment, I went to school with them in like third grade, didn’t talk to them then, don’t talk to them now and in all reality will never see them again. I didn’t really see why it was necessary for them to be privy to my Facebook information, hence the defriending. I doubt any of them will even notice I defriended them (I wouldn’t have noticed if they defriended me) but I hope none of them are offended!
It’s true, it has become that way. I don’t subscribe to it but it’s become so commonplace it can be there at the back of my mind. I guess because Facebook is so open to friends – they see your photos instantly, what you’re up to, it’s seen as more damning if you put an end to that access for someone and it’s very public. People who wouldn’t otherwise have a say in things can on Facebook.
Basically what Clem said. I have had fights with friends, and pretty much stopped talking to them, but I stayed friends with them on Facebook. When I deleted one friend from Facebook, though, it wasn’t really that Facebook had permeated my life. It was like, “Hey buddy, this is it. We’re done. You cannot even look at movies and music that I like anymore. So screw you.” :P