Apparently, I’m Fat and Ugly
Posted on July 21, 2010 | Categories: Family, Friends | Tags: opinions
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Whenever Asian parents get together, it is customary for them to evaluate their kids and do a comparison. One parent’s kid will be smarter, but the others will be prettier/skinnier/more successful, etc. Usually these evaluations and comparisons occur right in front of the kids, as if the kids couldn’t understand what they are saying – oh, but they do understand; what’s more, they even expect this to occur every time Asian parents get together for a reunion!
When my mom got together with her Asian friends over the weekend, us kids braced ourselves for the inevitably degrading comparisons. A parent can compliment someone else’s kid, but they always have to put down their own child. The etiquette in this situation is surprisingly rigid, and the kids have to sit there and take it all in. It’s not that every parent believes what they say when they diss their own kid, but protocol dictates they must put down their kid after they receive a (probably over generous) compliment.
One aunty complimented me on how pretty I was. I was about to thank her for the compliment before my mother cut in and hurriedly made an argument for how not pretty, or ugly, I was. Another aunty asked me if I had lost weight, to which I truthfully replied I hadn’t. My mom once again cuts in and says I’ve gained a lot of weight, isn’t it obvious?
By the time the rounds were over, my friends and I (who are all either teenagers or in their twenties) had been reduced to a far, ugly, stupid and lazy group of kids. And I hadn’t expected anything less. Culture is culture, after all!
Amanda
Urgh that sounds tedious. I’ve experienced similar things in the past… but there’s a reason that my mum stopped socialising with asians around here, eeek! Poor you though :(
Melody
I find it quite hilarious. My parents follow that protocol while my uncles and aunts don’t, so my cousins are smart and beautiful and I’m fat and ugly. :P
It’s not a big deal for me, though, as long as you know what they really think. Dad has no problem praising me in our house, but he absolutely hate bragging in front of relatives and friends. In most Asian cultures, it’s important not to put yourself out there too much and be somewhat humble. I can’t imagine myself claiming to others my kid is the best either!
Manda
Oh, I’d never claim for myself or my kids to be the best out there either. So immodest! It’s not in my genetic coding to be able to make such claims, even if they were true :P
Krissy
Woooah. It’s so strange to think that to your family/culture, that’s the norm. If my parents and their friends talked about their kids that way, others would think they were HUGE jerks and very inappropriate. I wouldn’t say we brag about our accomplishments or anything, but it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to put down your kids in “my culture”. I don’t mean that to be negative and point fingers at your mom and her friends and such… I’ve just never heard of this before since I don’t have any Asian friends/acquaintances.
Megan
Even if it is the norm in Asian culture, I think it’s sad for people to be so complaisant about it.
Manda
Well, like I said, this is all routine stuff. The kids know that the parents don’t really mean the put downs, the parents know the kids know that, yet it goes on anyway. When it’s something you grow up with, it’s really not out of the ordinary. It’s all about face; no one truly takes whatever is said to heart but etiquette is etiquette so we all just get it over and done within the first few minutes of meeting.
Marie
Ugh, that sounds awful. I had some rather annoying relatives, but most criticisms are done behind people’s backs. I’ve never had my parents criticize me in front of other people, but I can imagine that it’s not the best feeling int he world. I guess the fact that it’s just the culture lessens the blow, but it would still be offensive for me.
Manda
Honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Like I said, it’s routine stuff and the kids and parents both expect it to happen. Personally, I’d rather have it all said to my face than behind my back anyway, even if the criticisms aren’t always genuine.
Jem
Everything I want to say will come across as either racist or just intolerant and I’m neither so I’ll shut up now… and anyway, I’m pretty sure my family has weirdo habits and rituals that nobody else would understand too.
SassyGirl
Ah, it seems like this is the fate of all Chinese children. Our culture is built on modesty. In the past, we used to introduce ourselves with, “I am so-and-so, I put my ignorant self in your hands.” Confidence is definitely not something that we encourage, apparently.
Meg
Ugh. I understand that this happens in Asian culture, having been subjected to it my entire life, and I know our culture emphasizes modesty, but I’ll never understand why or how or what the point is of putting down your own child. It hurts even more when parents mean the insults and say the same things behind closed doors, too.
Manda
I’m lucky in the sense that I know my mother doesn’t really mean that I’m fat or ugly. Like Melody said in her comment, my mom has no trouble praising me in the privacy of our own home. Whether or not this is because I’m half Asian and thus, the rules are a little different for me, or because this is just how my mom is, I don’t know. Not all kids have the luxury of knowing their parents really don’t mean the insults.
Charlie
That sounds irritating. But then I’m looking at it from a different perspective.
I Am Me | breakthesky.net
[...] school and college. I know the ins and outs of both Asian culture and Western culture, from the importance of displaying modesty to bragging about one’s achievements. I go out and have fun with the best of them, yet study [...]