breakthesky.neti'll break the sky, for you and i are going nowhere.

When I was 15, I busted my knee at a ballet gala. The injury effectively ended my dancing career – all 11 years worth of hard work and hopes and dreams – and has been a pesky thorn in my side ever since.

For the first year or two after the injury, I’d get odd flares of pain in my knee area. Sometimes my knee would lock and I couldn’t unlock it because of the pain. Other times I couldn’t bend it because it felt like the tendons behind my kneecap would snap clean in half if I did. No matter what happened, I’d end up having to massage my knee with my fingertips in the hopes of easing whatever was tensing in the area so that I could use my knee properly and go about my daily life without hobbling around.

Just yesterday morning, I was thinking to myself that I hadn’t had any problems with my knee for roughly the last two years. That was nothing more than a passing thought until after dinner last night, when I hopped off my dinner chair and almost keeled over from the pain in my knee. I guess I had been sitting oddly in my chair or something, because my knee just wasn’t having it. I made it over to my couch and felt like all the muscles around my knee had become incredibly tense and stiff, which was unusual because I hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary. Still, I managed somehow loosen the feeling of tightness in my knee so that I could get around the house for the remainder of my day.

When I woke up this morning and tried to move my knee, I ended up screaming in pain. The last time I screamed in pain over my knee was when I injured the damn thing! I couldn’t sit up because that hurt my knee. I couldn’t bend my legs because that hurt my knee. I couldn’t reach down to touch my knee in an attempt to massage it because that hurt my knee. Basically, I couldn’t do anything because it would hurt my freakin’ knee. I ended up laying in bed for an hour, staring at my ceiling, contemplating what on earth I could do since I basically couldn’t move at all without screaming in pain.

Somehow I managed to maneuver my body around so that I could do what I could for my knee, as I was not going to put up with being immobile all day. Now, my knee is unlocked, but there’s something still not quite right with it because it still feels very tender and sore. Guess I’m bedridden for the rest of the day until I can figure out what, exactly, is causing all of this…

In the two months of 2010 that have passed, I think I’ve learned more about how to detoxify my life than I did in the last eighteen years.

Gone are traitorous best friends. Gone are dirty lying ex-boyfriends that waffle between wanting to transition into becoming friends after the breakup and getting back together. Gone are all the relationships in my life that I have been hanging onto for far too long without practical reason.

I am a strong and independent woman who deserves care, respect, and honesty. If the people in my life can’t give me those things, then I don’t see why I should keep them around.

I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know how I want to live my life. If I hang onto all of these relationships that cause me nothing but pain and hurt and hold me back from achieving my full potential, I am not going to get anywhere in life.

I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.

It’s time for me to finally free myself from the boundaries my ex-friends and ex-boyfriends have managed to set for me post-friendship/relationship breakup and cut them out of my life. I need to detoxify from the poisonous effects of maintaining relationships with these people. I refuse deal with other people’s crap anymore for the sake of sentimental reasons; it’s time to be practical and move on.

On the last day of every month, I take Just a Minute to reflect on what I’m currently up to.

Feeling… tired. Like, perpetually so. I think most of this is stemming from the fact that I am so busy that I haven’t gotten a chance to sleep in for weeks!

Studying… non-stop. This week is midterm for me, so I have exams and/or papers every day this week. I have so much I need to do to prepare for each exam and I’m starting to panic about whether or not I can get all my prep work done in time.

Excited… for spring break! I can’t even explain how much I am looking forward to go home. It’s not that I’m unhappy at school, but I definitely need a break from school, work, and friends.

Applying… to my first-choice study abroad program for the next academic year. I have one last portion of the application to submit and then my application is complete! I should hear back from my program about my acceptance in about two weeks.

Craving… my mother’s home-cooked food. She is the best cook I know, hands down, and I don’t particularly enjoy eating cafeteria food day in, day out.

Loving… my close friends, both online and offline. (You all know who you are.)

Organizing… my life in a shiny new planner. I’ve never used one before, and I’m now finding that I can’t live without it. I use it to keep track of everything, from what I’m doing to how much money I spend.

Saving… money. I’m rigorously keeping track of my expenses for the first time ever, and once I have some kind of idea how much I need for food, transport, etc. each week I’m going to figure out what is the best percentage for me to deposit into my savings account from every paycheck. If I want to travel as much as I hope to in the next few years, I need to work on saving every penny.

Thankful… that my busy schedule has proven to be a blessing in disguise. There’s been more drama this semester than any other semesters, if that’s even possible, but luckily I am not directly involved in any of the drama since I’m too busy to be around to cause any.

Keeping… all those affected by the Chilean earthquake this past weekend in my thoughts and prayers.