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Mamihlapinatapai: A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start.

This is about a boy; it’s always about a boy.

I wonder which one of us dares make the first move; I wonder if doing anything would be for the better or the worse. I wonder if nothing will ever happen; I wonder if we will both be left wondering what could have been.

I wonder how large the disparities are between what could be, what should be and what will be.

I just deleted/trashed an entry I wrote that was about a boy. It was about a boy that I like (who might like me back) and a supremely awkward conversation I had with my mom about it. (Awkward conversations with my mom about this kind of stuff, as well as other topics, is what I do best, after all.)

The reason why I trashed it wasn’t because it was poorly written or dull for others to read. (On the contrary, it was quite amusing, even if I do say so myself.) It was mainly because it didn’t feel right to publish something that involved someone else and partially because I was, well, scared to publish it. Having a crush on someone is something quite personal that I’ve always found it hard to talk about it. It’s not just the whole online privacy thing and how I always respect the privacy of those in my life when it comes to writing this blog, but the fact that I seem to have some sort of neurotic complex when it comes to talking about boys that I really like.

I think some of this links back to the fact that it’s always been really, really hard for me to admit that I like someone for as long as I can remember. It’s a self-preservation thing. Way back in elementary and middle school, I’d see some of my friends confide in other girls about who they liked, only for the girls to spread rumors about it behind each other’s backs. These rumors would spread like wildfire, and soon the girl who had a crush on a particular boy would be taunted and teased about liking so-and-so and everyone would know whether or not the boy liked her back or not.

God, it was awful. Just remembering it gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach and makes me want to shudder at the thought.

I’ve always remembered those days, and even now, when it comes to confiding in my best friends who I know wouldn’t tell anyone and I trust with my life, I still find it difficult to talk about guys that I like. It’s easy for me to talk about guys and relationships in general, or to give advice about guys and relationships to my friends, but I never talk about my own personal feelings towards any guys in particular unless I can help it. I can talk about the fact that I like someone to my best friends; I just find it very hard to bring myself to say who he is.

That’s why it was more than a little strange that I was even drafting an entry about my crush on a boy to post on this blog, which is the least private of all places for me to confess about something.

I have learned a lot about the protocol regarding dorm room sex during my time as a resident of my school’s dorms. Most of the stuff I’ve learned, however, is what not to do when having sex in the dorms. Here are some examples:

• If you want to turn up music so people don’t hear screams/moans/cries out loud, make sure it is actually loud enough to drown out said screams/moans/cries out loud. If not, when you turn the music off, everyone will know that you are done… not to mention how long it took for you to orgasm.
• If you have to sexile a roommate, make sure you and your roommate are on good enough terms so that the roommate won’t run into the lounge and announce that you are having sex. If that happens, it is more than likely that a good portion of the people in the lounge will come running down the hall and sit around outside your door, trying to stifle the sounds of laughter as your whines and cries get progressively louder.
• If you live on the first or second floor of the dorm, make sure your curtains are closed so that people walking by won’t see more of you than they ever wanted to see.

Most of it is just common sense, really. But it’s astounding to see how little common sense college kids have when it comes to having sex in the dorms!