breakthesky.net » Relationships

Mamihlapinatapai

Manda — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 15:53:56 +0000

Mamihlapinatapai: A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start.

This is about a boy; it’s always about a boy.

I wonder which one of us dares make the first move; I wonder if doing anything would be for the better or the worse. I wonder if nothing will ever happen; I wonder if we will both be left wondering what could have been.

I wonder how large the disparities are between what could be, what should be and what will be.

Let’s Talk About Boys and Crushes (Or Not)

Manda — Sun, 30 May 2010 16:40:28 +0000

I just deleted/trashed an entry I wrote that was about a boy. It was about a boy that I like (who might like me back) and a supremely awkward conversation I had with my mom about it. (Awkward conversations with my mom about this kind of stuff, as well as other topics, is what I do best, after all.)

The reason why I trashed it wasn’t because it was poorly written or dull for others to read. (On the contrary, it was quite amusing, even if I do say so myself.) It was mainly because it didn’t feel right to publish something that involved someone else and partially because I was, well, scared to publish it. Having a crush on someone is something quite personal that I’ve always found it hard to talk about it. It’s not just the whole online privacy thing and how I always respect the privacy of those in my life when it comes to writing this blog, but the fact that I seem to have some sort of neurotic complex when it comes to talking about boys that I really like.

I think some of this links back to the fact that it’s always been really, really hard for me to admit that I like someone for as long as I can remember. It’s a self-preservation thing. Way back in elementary and middle school, I’d see some of my friends confide in other girls about who they liked, only for the girls to spread rumors about it behind each other’s backs. These rumors would spread like wildfire, and soon the girl who had a crush on a particular boy would be taunted and teased about liking so-and-so and everyone would know whether or not the boy liked her back or not.

God, it was awful. Just remembering it gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach and makes me want to shudder at the thought.

I’ve always remembered those days, and even now, when it comes to confiding in my best friends who I know wouldn’t tell anyone and I trust with my life, I still find it difficult to talk about guys that I like. It’s easy for me to talk about guys and relationships in general, or to give advice about guys and relationships to my friends, but I never talk about my own personal feelings towards any guys in particular unless I can help it. I can talk about the fact that I like someone to my best friends; I just find it very hard to bring myself to say who he is.

That’s why it was more than a little strange that I was even drafting an entry about my crush on a boy to post on this blog, which is the least private of all places for me to confess about something.

Dorm Room Sex 101

Manda — Sat, 01 May 2010 14:53:26 +0000

I have learned a lot about the protocol regarding dorm room sex during my time as a resident of my school’s dorms. Most of the stuff I’ve learned, however, is what not to do when having sex in the dorms. Here are some examples:

If you want to turn up music so people don’t hear screams/moans/cries out loud, make sure it is actually loud enough to drown out said screams/moans/cries out loud. If not, when you turn the music off, everyone will know that you are done… not to mention how long it took for you to orgasm.
If you have to sexile a roommate, make sure you and your roommate are on good enough terms so that the roommate won’t run into the lounge and announce that you are having sex. If that happens, it is more than likely that a good portion of the people in the lounge will come running down the hall and sit around outside your door, trying to stifle the sounds of laughter as your whines and cries get progressively louder.
If you live on the first or second floor of the dorm, make sure your curtains are closed so that people walking by won’t see more of you than they ever wanted to see.

Most of it is just common sense, really. But it’s astounding to see how little common sense college kids have when it comes to having sex in the dorms!

The Wise Words of My Mother

Manda — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 22:26:15 +0000

When my boyfriend in high school and I broke up, I was devastated. I really wanted to work on becoming friends with the guy after we split up. Needless to say, in the first couple weeks following the breakup, he and I didn’t really cross paths all that much. I was beside myself – how could we be friends if we never saw each other anymore?

My mother told me that time apart was needed before we could be friends. She was right. Two years later, I now consider him to be one of my best friends from high school.

When one of my (now former) best friends in college betrayed me, I wanted to cut her out of my life and for everyone around me to do so as well. Obviously, that was a little irrational for me to expect of my friends to feel the same way towards her as I did. But I didn’t want to deal with her or to have her still be in my life anymore after what she did.

My mother told me that in time, the girl’s true colors would show and she would end up hurting everyone else in my group of friends, not just me. She was right. The girl crossed every line you can’t cross in a friendship and now my friends feel the same way about her that I do without me having to influence their feelings.

When my most recent ex briefly floated the idea of getting back together, I had no idea what to do. Part of me was willing to consider it as it seemed too rash to rule anything out immediately. But a bigger part of me was far more cautious as our breakup was really not one I’d like to ever repeat.

My mother told me that if he was really serious about setting things right between us, he’d win back my trust over time. She was right. Apparently he wasn’t all that serious about getting back together. Which is good, because I have no desire for him to be in my life anymore in any capacity whatsoever.

I’ve always known that my mother gives great advice, but each time I run to her for her words of wisdom I am always amazed by just how wise she is. I’m so incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

The Best Way of Getting Over Someone

Manda — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 15:20:02 +0000

The best way of getting over someone is getting under someone else.
- Samantha Jones, Sex and the City

Words to keep in mind when trying to get over someone. If you can do the whole hooking-up-and-not-getting-emotionally-attached thing, it works!

(Having said that, I should really take my own advice. But I digress.)

Detoxify

Manda — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:33:42 +0000

In the two months of 2010 that have passed, I think I’ve learned more about how to detoxify my life than I did in the last eighteen years.

Gone are traitorous best friends. Gone are dirty lying ex-boyfriends that waffle between wanting to transition into becoming friends after the breakup and getting back together. Gone are all the relationships in my life that I have been hanging onto for far too long without practical reason.

I am a strong and independent woman who deserves care, respect, and honesty. If the people in my life can’t give me those things, then I don’t see why I should keep them around.

I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know how I want to live my life. If I hang onto all of these relationships that cause me nothing but pain and hurt and hold me back from achieving my full potential, I am not going to get anywhere in life.

I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.

It’s time for me to finally free myself from the boundaries my ex-friends and ex-boyfriends have managed to set for me post-friendship/relationship breakup and cut them out of my life. I need to detoxify from the poisonous effects of maintaining relationships with these people. I refuse deal with other people’s crap anymore for the sake of sentimental reasons; it’s time to be practical and move on.

The First Boy I Ever Liked

Manda — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:31:58 +0000

A girl will never forget the first boy she ever likes.
- He’s Just Not That Into You

I watched He’s Just Not That Into You recently and the above quote got me reminiscing about the first boy I ever had a crush on. It’s true; a girl never forgets. It doesn’t matter if the crush was in college, middle school, or even kindergarten. No matter when it happened, a girl always remembers.

My first crush was on a boy that was in my class in elementary school. He had blond hair and blue eyes and a wicked sense of humor that always made me laugh. Nothing ever came close to happening between us, though. He was charismatic; I was shy. He was popular; I was not. He was too well-noticed by everyone in our class and I was too soft-spoken to register on anyone’s radar.

When we entered middle school, we were separated by the fact that our last names began with letters on opposite ends of the alphabet. He liked another girl by then, and I had lost interest and was content with being friends, however loose the term might have been (we were really acquaintances at best by that point). Then I moved overseas and I never saw or heard from him again.

I looked him up on Facebook the other day as I was curious to see where he ended up after all of these years. He’s currently an engineering student at a prestigious university and, by all accounts, seems to be doing pretty well for himself. Somehow, I doubt we would recognize each other on the off chance we ever crossed paths. I am nothing like the girl I was when I was in elementary school, and something tells me he’s changed immensely since then as well.

Question of the Week: Do you remember the first person you ever liked?

The Potential to Fall in Love a Thousand Times

Manda — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 16:36:36 +0000

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.
- Chuck Klosterman

My feelings towards Valentine’s Day remain unchanged. But as the holiday is tomorrow, this quote struck a chord with me. Sometimes I think I have met the person that defines how I will perceive the idea and feeling of love for the rest of my life… but other times, I’m not so sure if that person is the person, if that makes sense.

At any rate, I completely agree with Chuck Klosterman’s sentiments on the matter. The most important people in your life will have the largest impact on you, and the people you love will change you forever.

Getting Back Together With Someone

Manda — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 02:35:28 +0000

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.
- He’s Just Not That Into You

While I’ve never had any experience in getting back together with anyone I’ve been involved with¹, I know that it’s never an easy situation. I’ve seen enough of my friends take a chance on getting back together with their ex, sometimes ignoring all of the advice given to them by close friends and family and going against their better judgment. For some, it’s worked out, although of course the relationship wasn’t the same as it was before the break up. For others, it’s turned out horribly and the two parties are worse off for not realizing that despite their hopes, they couldn’t overcome the issues that caused the first breakup. It’s a situation fraught with risks and the potential to be hurt in a way like no other, and while I do think there are some situations where getting back together is for the best, I think there are certain steps that need to be taken before it gets to that point.

I’ve always been adamant that if a guy breaks up with me and then asks for me back sometime down the road, I need to make the guy prove to me that he really is in it for the long haul. He needs to show me that he really, truly, totally wants me back in his life and knows just how damn lucky he is if I agree to take him back. I wouldn’t want a guy to ask for me back just because he wants someone in his life again and I happen to be there to fill the void. I want him to want me for me. I also need to know he won’t hurt me the way he did in the past. Even though we will have problems if we become a couple once more as all couples have their share of problems, they can’t be the same ones that caused our relationship to end the first time around, and both of us will need to have already worked through those issues before deciding to get back together.

One of my greatest concerns when it comes to getting together with someone the first time is whether or not I will lose him as a friend if/when the relationship ends. However, history has shown that I maintain good relationships with all the boys I’ve been romantically linked to, so it’s a worry that has (somewhat) lessened with time. But if I get back together with an ex, good terms or not, and the relationship ends for the same reason it ended the first time around, then I know I can never, ever allow myself to be friends with him again. It’s one thing for someone you care about to hurt you once. It’s quite another thing if that persons hurts you twice, especially if it was in the same way both times.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
- Chinese Proverb

Question of the Week: What do you think about getting back together with someone? Would you consider it, or are you totally against it? If you aren’t opposed to the idea, are there any requirements/musts that need to happen before you get back together with the person?

I’ve skirted around the situation but never actually had anything come of it.

Defining Yourself in a Relationship

Manda — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 14:00:35 +0000

Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough time to answer all of the questions asked in last week’s Question of the Week post for today, so I’m postponing the answers until next Sunday. Sorry for the inconvenience!

I was watching a reality TV show the other day¹ and the people behind the camera were asking a teenage girl to talk about herself. She had to give her stats, like her name and age, as well as several adjectives that she thought best described her. The first words that came out of her mouth were, “I’m a girl with a boyfriend.”

This, not surprisingly, caused my eyebrows to shoot up so high that they practically disappeared into my hairline. This girl thinks her relationship is so important, so relevant, and so pivotal in understanding how she is that she thinks it’s necessary for her to throw that out there as the very first thing she says about herself? Was there absolutely nothing else about her that was remotely interesting for her to talk about?

I think that it’s only necessary to talk about your relationship status as the first thing you say to someone if they’re trying to awkwardly hit on you but you’re taken or something. In a relationship or not, I certainly don’t tell people my relationship status right off the bat! I don’t think being in a relationship (or being single) should affect how you perceive yourself at all!

Question of the Week: Does being in or out of a relationship change the way you define yourself?

Can’t remember the name of it as I only watched it for about ten minutes before I changed the channel.